How can I find happiness? Blog written by Tania Taylor
So often we consider what we want from life. What we want to achieve, where we want to see ourselves ten years or even five years from now. We might even already be thinking about New Years Resolutions. But what if we began to focus not on the goal per se but on the experience of getting to the goal?
How different our experience of life might be if we began to put as much onus on the journey to reach our desires, as we do on the desire themselves. So many of us want to achieve “happiness”. “I want to be happy”. “I want to always be really happy”. “Being happy is important to me”. I hear this every day in all different parts of my life. I even remember a friend telling me once that the teacher at school said her daughter needs to have a goal of being happy!
Define happiness. What is happy? Is being happy the same for everyone? Probably highly unlikely. And yet we see social media posts from others and believe the grass must be greener on their side of the fence. Consider now what happiness means to you. What key ingredients do you need to have to be able to say, “I’m happy today”?
For some people happiness means being able to take a walk around the block or a trip to the gym. For others it might feel like happiness is being surrounded by those they love on a daily basis. Some people might consider happiness to be blissful solitude with their head deep in a book. Everyone perceives happiness in different ways. This is because our core beliefs and values are different from each other.
All these questions will have varying answers from one person to the next. So, striving for a goal of happiness will also be a different goal from one person to the next. However, before truly contemplating it, many of us find that when we think we “just want to be happy and live a happy life”, that we are all insinuating the same thing. And this “thing”, this “happiness” is so far from our reach that we struggle to contemplate what it even looks like. Therefore, we find ourselves in this unachievable cycle of perpetually seeking happiness.
Theres a poem called Ithica. I was introduced to it recently and it really got me thinking about this quest for happiness so many people seek. My interpretation of this poem is that the author is saying to us, by striving so hard to reach a goal we properly haven’t considered, we may find ourselves holding onto unhelpful demons that hold us back. One of those being that we haven’t appropriately considered what it is we are striving for and how we could really know if we had achieved it. How would a fly on the wall know that you were experiencing happiness? How would your pet know that you were feeling happy this week?
Often when we ask ourselves questions like the ‘solution focused questions’ I have written for you throughout this blog. We begin to notice exceptions. What are exceptions? They are instances where you are already experiencing the thing you really hope to see happening more in your life. Let’s call them ‘glimmers’ or ‘sparkling moments.’ The more we are curious and explore our own experiences, the more we can notice that the moments we are striving for are already happening.
Referring back to the poem Ithica, when we spend so much time focused on the goal, we can forget how much value we can find in the journey itself. Moreso, that those who forget to enjoy the journey and be curious along the way, can miss all the value found within that journey, and arrive at the destination feeling as unfulfilled now, as they did when the journey began. Because it isn’t the goal that is important, but the exploration and curiosity we allow ourselves to have as we travel towards it.
I remember being handed a metaphor when I was first studying hypnosis. Many years ago now. It focused on a man who was told that to seek enlightenment he had to travel to a wiseman at the top of a huge mountain. It took months and years to get there, and when he did, he was devastated.
There was no enlightenment at the top of the mountain. The wiseman asked him about his journey to the mountain, the life he had experienced on his travels, the people he had spoke with and built relationships with, the vast picturesque views he had seen. And the man realised enlightenment wasn’t at the top of the mountain, but it was everything he had experienced on his journey to get there. He had matured, he had seen people from all walks of life. There had been much laughter, even tears. He had been a part of different cultures and lived with those of different values to him.
The journey of life is difficult at times. Some days it can feel like everyone else has it easier than we do. Other days it can feel like a good day because we are able to recognise what a decent day looks like to us. Some days are full of sunshine and smiles, others are full of tears and storms. Whatever this week or month is for you, try pay attention to the journey. To the little glimmers of hope and sparkling moments. It’s these moments along your journey that will help cushion the more uncomfortable experiences. If you need a little bit of help searching for them, take a look at my little pocketbook of Sparkling Moments. It makes a great gift too!
You can buy a signed copy directly from my website, or an unsigned copy from Amazon. And if a book just isn’t going to cut it for you right now, get in touch. As a therapist my role is to be your supportive companion on this journey and help you to be curious and explorative along the way. You can find out more about the services I offer here and book a free initial consultation by phone here.
10 ways to improve self-compassion written by Tania Taylor. Plus a free body confidence hypnosis track!
Self-compassion is the practice of noticing when you are being critical of yourself and changing your internal dialogue to being kind and caring instead. It’s certainly a tough nut to crack! But it is absolutely possible. You deserve your inner voice to show you compassion.
The first step is beginning to notice your inner critic. Perhaps you just trapped your finger in a door and the first thing you say to yourself. After saying OUCH! Is “How stupid can you get?!” Or maybe you find yourself scrolling on social media and the saucepan boils over. And you criticise you for being distracted. It may be one last look in the mirror before you leave the house for a special occasion, and you say: “You’ll have to do!” Or possibly you are driving and accidently find yourself in a precarious position with other drivers beeping their horns at you. You’re crunching your face up cringing and beating yourself up for having made the mistake.