How do I explain my anxiety to family? What is anxiety? Why can’t I remember why my anxiety started? Why can’t I remember how my anxiety started? How can I control my anxiety? Please help me stop being so anxious! Why do I get anxiety? I don’t want to be anxious anymore. I’m sick of feeling so anxious all the time. Why does OCD make my anxiety feel better? How can I stop washing my hands constantly? Why is my anxiety getting worse? No one understands what it’s like to have anxiety.
Our limbic system sees itself as having a duty to make sure you go and do that hand washing or other unhelpful behaviour right now. It isn’t intelligent. It can only rely on previous behaviour patterns to know what to do. And your previous behaviour pattern was to wash your hands 100 times yesterday. So, it will do everything in its power to make sure you do that again today. Perhaps even getting you to do it 101 times today, because that behaviour is known to ensure you wake up the following day.
It’s an awful position for anyone to be in, whether that unhelpful behaviour involves washing their hands, pulling out their own hair, biting their nails, checking the car gear stick, checking the light switch an even number of times… Whatever it is, it feels impossible to stop. The urge is so, so strong that when you try and stop, the limbic system starts going through a hundred and one ways of what could happen if you don’t do it. And so, in the end, even though intellectually you know you don’t want to do it. You do it anyway.
And when you do it you get this surge of relief. It feels good. And your limbic system is pleased you’re going to survive another day. But once your limbic system isn’t in control anymore, your intellectual self ends up realising you did that unhelpful behaviour all over again, and you are left feeling terrible.
The terrible thoughts get out of control. The adrenaline is released, and you find yourself stuck in a vicious nightmare that you feel like you can’t escape from. And the only sense of relief you get is that unhelpful behaviour that you know is harmful to you, but you just can’t help yourself. You’re riding the adrenaline rollercoaster over, and over and over again and no one is letting you off.
So much so, you start thinking about ways to avoid others. If you can avoid others, they won’t know or see what’s going on. Or perhaps you start thinking it’s others that are the problem.
Many people struggling with severe and debilitating anxiety find themselves isolating from others. It’s difficult for them to explain what’s going on when they find it hard to understand themselves. The road ahead feels terrifying. And that torturous feeling of horror is with them most of the time, but their home is where they tend to feel most safe. Sometimes, it gets to the point where their bed, wrapped up under the covers feels the only safe place they have left.
Thankfully, not everyone gets to that point before seeking help. But during the pandemic this is a point many of my clients have reached before getting in touch, because the pandemic has enabled this behaviour to be contained within their safe space, home. And now, as we move closer to being able to leave home again, anxiety levels are rising exponentially and unhelpful behaviour patterns are becoming more and more exasperated.
So how can you stop it?
Put simply, if you have gotten to the far extremes I have just mentioned, I highly recommend getting professional support. You can get in touch with me or book a free talking therapy service via your GP or local IAPT team. Be honest with the professional you approach about your experiences and how they are affecting you. To you, some of these unhelpful behaviours may be behaviours you think we might have never heard of, but it’s more than likely that we have come across them before.
If you feel like you’re not quite so serious yet, but you can already see a pattern of unhelpful behaviour that feels like it is slowly increasing. You can start looking at taking small steps to make changes to that behaviour. For example, if you have started having to have a set sequence or routine in something you do. You might decide to swap two parts of the routine round. And if that feels especially difficult, you might want to swap them round whilst doing, or thinking of something that makes you feel good.
An example might be that you have to make a cup of tea in exactly the same way, but today instead of getting the milk out of the fridge after you have turned the kettle on, you’re going to get the milk out and then turn the kettle on whilst listening and signing along to your favourite song. When I say SMALL steps, I really do mean SMALL. You don’t want that limbic system having a hissy fit and getting in your way.
Each time you make small changes like this one, try doing those changes whilst you’re in a mentally good place in your mind. This makes it even harder for your limbic system to take control and it makes it far easier for you to begin making those small changes that one by one, will take you back to living the life you want to live. A life where you are in control.
They can be there to listen when you’re feeling upset or sad about what’s happening, without judgement, and without trying to ‘fix’ you. We humans love to try and find the answers to help, but this can be a hinder to your recovery as it can push you to try doing things before you are ready and create a big setback that’s difficult to recover from. Most importantly they can be there to shower you with praise when you take a step in the right direction. No matter how small it is, celebrate it and allow your friends and family to celebrate each achievement with you.
Perhaps it’s playing a board game, watching a romantic comedy, pottering in the garden or chatting about fun times gone by on the phone. Whatever it is, try and do more of it. The more you do activities that make you feel good, the easier it will be to take back control as you take those small steps into a place of recovery and reward. You may find this little FREE DOWNLOAD helpful. It’s a place to write the positive thoughts, interactions and activities that help you to feel good. So that you can use them time and time again.
I also have several workshops and memberships that you may find helpful if you’re in that in-between place of not quite knowing how to create the change for yourself, but not yet ready for one to one support.
Please know that wherever you are in your anxiety journey every single person is different. Today I have focused more on the area of Obsessive and Compulsive thoughts, but your anxiety may manifest it’s self very differently. That doesn’t mean that your anxiety is any less worthy of your support. If you thought that today I might have been writing about something else, and you’d like to see future blogs in the area you were thinking of. Please feel free to contact me here with a suggestion.
This blog may also bring up an urgent need to talk to someone about your feelings and experiences. There are national help lines that can help you too. Click here for a comprehensive list.